10 Things I Won’t Forget After Listening to People’s Problems for 7 Years
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” — Ernest Hemingway
I will never forget the lessons other people taught me by confiding to me their problems. For the past seven years, I’ve had a section at my blog titled “Dear Joyce” where I offered to listen to people who needed someone to talk to. While I have not officially been a life coach, I had that precious opportunity to know people better, deeper. By entrusting me with their concerns, I have gained much more than I have ever thought I would.
Here are just some of the things I’ve learned from people who sought my advice:
1. Every person has a problem
No person is exempt from pain. It doesn’t matter what age you are. It doesn’t matter how much money you have. Every person understands what it’s like to suffer. It is this common thread of vulnerability that should unite us all — this knowledge that no matter how weak or strong a person appears to be, that person has been touched in one way or the other by some kind of adversity.
“Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can’t escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other”― Veronica Roth
2. No matter how badly I feel, there are people who are in a worse situation
I can’t forget those times when I had been humbled after reading some letters from my readers. Before reading, I felt I was the only one who carried a heavy burden. After focusing on what other people go through, however, I often realize how smaller my problems were. It’s true. No matter how troubled you feel, there are people who are suffering more.
“Be kind. Everyone you meet is carrying a heavy burden.” — Ian MacLaren
3. Sometimes all we need is hope
Sometimes, the reason why we talk to people and ask for their advice is not to get the precise answer to our problems. Sometimes, we just need someone to help us find hope.
“We are just beginning to appreciate hope’s reach and have not defined its limits. I see hope as the very heart of healing.” — Jerome Groopman
4. People often need listening more than the advice you can give
One of the reasons I started to offer to listen to people was my own experience of needing a friend. I wanted to let others know that they are not alone, that there is someone who is willing to share their concerns. I may not solve their problems, but I wanted to offer them a chance to be heard.
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.” — Henri Nouwen
5. Sometimes it’s easier to confide to a total stranger
Have you experienced those times when it had been easier to talk to someone you don’t know than to the people around you? Sometimes it’s easier to confide something very personal to a total stranger. By talking to someone who does not know you at all, you avoid being judged by someone you care about.
You’re also able to open up your true feelings without the fear of complicating things with those who may feel you’re blaming them for something you’re going through. Talking to other people also helps you avoid that feeling of guilt that you have burdened the ones you love with your troubles.
“The first duty of love is to listen.”― Paul Tillich
6. You should know your responsibilities as well as your limitations
You have an influence on the life of another but you can’t decide for them. Years of listening to people’s problems have taught me that I could be a positive influence in someone’s life. Many times, I wasn’t aware that a single word can give comfort and inspiration to someone.
I have also learned, however, that there is a limit to the things we can do. Ultimately, it is the person who remains responsible for one’s life.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
7. You understand people better once you can relate to their pain
Being a sensitive person, I have always felt I could easily relate to other people’s pain. It’s been a natural thing for me to want to listen to people and then try to see things from their perspectives.
I have realized, however, that it’s different the moment when I actually undergo the same problems a person has struggled with. Pain deepens my compassion. It allows me to relate more to what other people are going through.
“Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle.” — Charles Glassman
8. Each person is unique
No two people are exactly alike. We have different experiences that have shaped who we are. We have different resources that could help us approach our current difficulties. We must treat each person as a whole new universe to explore. By listening to people, I have learned that a solution that has worked for one person may not always work for another.
“Never, in all of the seventy billion humans who have walked this planet since the beginning of time has there been anyone exactly like you. Never, until the end of time, will there be another such as you. You have shown no knowledge or appreciation of your uniqueness. Yet, you are the rarest thing in the world.” — Og Mandino
9. Relationships are precious
I have realized that much of our problems come from difficulties in our relationships. When we lose someone close to us or when a valuable relationship starts to break, we could barely imagine how we’d ever survive. It’s as though even the world would start to fall apart.
Our relationships are so valuable that we need to take care of it and we need to learn how to work things out with the people that matter most to us.
“I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.” — Viktor E. Frankl
10. People are often unaware of just how beautiful and courageous they are
I will never forget the people who wrote to me, carrying these heavy burdens, facing problems I couldn’t even imagine facing. I’ve often asked myself, “How could they possibly carry on?”
They may have been the ones who sought my understanding. They may have been the ones who needed a listening ear. But still, they are the ones who are still able to survive each day, for themselves and for the ones they love. They are able to find the strength to continue seeking hope even when it’s difficult to find. They are able to seek for help even if it’s never easy to admit how much you’re hurting deep inside.
I admire those people. They don’t know how courageous and beautiful they all are.
“Love is that condition in the human spirit so profound that it empowers us to develop courage; to trust that courage and build bridges with it; to trust those bridges and cross over them so we can attempt to reach each other.” — Maya Angelou
Final Words
I have probably learned more from these people than they have learned from me, and I am deeply grateful. I am humbled every time I read their letters. They enable me to find the right perspective and to see how it is still possible to find courage and beauty no matter how dark your situation may be.
We are all wounded somehow. May this fact help us to judge less and to love more. May our common vulnerabilities increase our compassion as we try to find new possibilities each day to alleviate one another’s pain.
“If I could give you one thought, it would be to lift someone up. Lift a stranger up — lift her up. I would ask you, mother and father, brother and sister, lovers, mother and daughter, father and son, lift someone. The very idea of lifting someone up will lift you, as well.” — Maya Angelou
Write to Me
“If you need someone to listen or to pray for you, you can write to me using your alias or pen name. Simply send your letter through DEAR JOYCE. You’re not alone.
(Note: By writing, you give me permission to publish your letter. You may want to use an alias or a pen name. )” - Joyce