6 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Is in Despair
Supporting someone who needs to find a little hope
Having lived for over four decades, I have had my share of those moments when I felt so tired I felt like giving up. During those moments, it’s as though you have lost every ounce of hope. You have done everything you could but nothing seemed to work out right. You did everything you thought was possible and you waited for the outcome but none ever came.
Despair does not often happen in a single instance where you suddenly feel like giving up. I think it is built through many seasons of struggle, disappointment and pain.
People who suddenly find themselves lacking hope are not lazy or idle looking for answers. In fact, the opposite may be true. They were the ones who did everything they could and have worn themselves out in the long run.
This is one thing that people who want to help should keep in mind. If you really want to assist them, you should look beyond their current situation. You should try to understand as much as possible what they went through, all the things that led them to that dark moment of despair.
Here are just some of the things you should avoid saying to someone who is in despair:
1. Be more positive
That’s one thing they may have tried to do for a long time. And it’s not as though they could suddenly erase all the negative thoughts and emotions that have built up within them for a long time.
Believe me when I tell you that if they could only “be more positive”, they would have done so already. What they need is someone who can assist them so that they can get to that “more positive” perspective.
2. Be grateful for your blessings
This suggestion seems to indicate that the person has not tried to be grateful for one’s blessings.
Further, being grateful for one’s blessings cannot automatically erase what has been causing the person’s despair.
3. It could have been worse!
This one seems to say that just because things have not been worse, then one has no reason to complain or grieve or to express one’s sadness.
Just because things aren’t worse doesn’t mean that things are already good or easy enough to overcome.
4. Other people have greater problems
This is similar to the previous one but now one’s problems are being compared to other people’s troubles.
While one may agree that having all those people’s problems could have been more difficult, it doesn’t make one’s problems any easier.
5. You should just try harder
I’m the type of person who really tries hard! And I’m sure other people have tried their very best also.
It simply wasn’t enough. And trying harder many times did not bring them any closer to their goal. The fact is that they are tired of trying.
If I were in a similar situation right now, I’d reply that I wish I could, but I just couldn’t seem to push myself any farther.
6. Try to think straight!
While a person who is in despair may currently be overwhelmed by one’s emotions, that doesn’t mean that one has not tried to think hard enough.
What this person needs is someone who can help them see things in another light. To help them see a little hope where they could see none.
How To Help Those In Despair
While it may be best to refer a person to an expert in worse situations, there are some things that one can still do to assist those who are feeling in despair.
For one thing, be sure to let them know that they are not alone. Offer your company. Lend a listening ear. Don’t listen to immediately reply or offer a solution. But listen with your whole heart.
Listen and don’t judge. It is sometimes easy to judge because you do not know the whole story. You see only a part of it, you see only that moment and you have not yet seen it from the perspective of the other person with one’s whole history, issues and struggles.
Instead of judging, encourage them by believing in them. Quite often, those in despair have lost their confidence in themselves through many seasons of disappointment.
So rather than speaking in a critical note (no matter how constructive it may be), speak to help the person realize one’s potential.
Affirm their pain and recognize their struggles. Don’t invalidate it as foolish or something they should be ashamed of. The last thing that people need when they’re already insecure enough is further humiliation.
Love, compassion and understanding are just some of the things that can help those whom you want to encourage towards a better place, a place of hope and light.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” — Henri J.M. Nouwen
Where Do You Find Hope?
I have collected some of my most relevant writings about hope in the book “Where Hope Can Be Found”. You may also want to read them by downloading the book on Gumroad.
