A Different Approach to Healing Your Self-Esteem

Here is the biggest myth about self-esteem: That you can increase it enough up to a point when it cannot be challenged anymore

To say that our self-esteem is low is to compare it to something higher. But how high is high enough? How much increase is really necessary? In truth, it is not an increase in self-esteem that we should aim for, but a complete healing of our wounded sense of self-worth.

You Need To Rebuild From The Ground Up

Before we could attain true healing, we must first recognize our wounds. Before we could rebuild our sense of worth, we must first acknowledge how broken it really is.

Where is your self-esteem founded? How firm is that foundation from which it is currently built?

Are you confident because you are beautiful? But what if you mingle among those who are more beautiful than you are? Further, how long could you possibly stay that way? What happens when you grow old and that beauty fades?

Are you secure with your success? What if the business or the reputation you’ve built suddenly falls? What are you worth by then? For how long could you hold on to your riches?

All our efforts of increasing our self-esteem are futile for, in the end, all such efforts lead only to fear, the fear of losing everything we have ever gained.

There Is a Different Way to Heal

The healing of our wounds can no longer depend on the external actions alone. The way to complete healing is to be healed from within because our wounds are not only wounds of the body, but of the soul.

Deep in one’s soul, we feel a great emptiness and uncertainty

We feel compelled to measure up to the standards of other people while at the same time, not being able to measure up to our own sense of wholeness.

We try to be strong, yet it seems we could never be strong enough. We even try to be good, but we could never be holy enough.

We are always followed by our sense of shame, and so we hide with masks of perfection and of beauty. Beyond that mask, however, we feel inadequate, and we feel tired of trying over and over again.

How We Could Achieve Healing

Healing begins when we stop our frantic efforts to keep up with others. Healing begins when we are able to face our worst pictures of ourselves and still believe that we are worth something.

What Are You Worth?

You are worth more than you ever thought yourself to be. You are worth more than the strength of your body or your intelligence or your physical beauty. You are worth more than your success and your riches. These things are given to you, but they are not the essence of who you are.

Your real worth is your likeness to God Himself. It is that spark which came from that breath which made you think and move and love.

Because you can be a vessel of God’s joy, you are worth something. Because you can be an object of His love, you are worth so much more than all the stars combined.

Your worth is not in what you possess, but in Him who possesses you.

Below are common areas of our self-esteem’s woundedness. Let us try to find their healing by bringing them to the light of God’s love for us.

Common Areas of Our Woundedness

1. Beauty

Even the most beautiful among us will grow old someday. The beauty that we envy now is but a fleeting joy. Others are not more worthy to be loved just because they are beautiful. We become beautiful because of God’s great love for us.

2. Intelligence

No matter how advanced our intellect may be, it is nothing as compared with the minds of angels. And no matter how great the wisdom of angels may be, it is nothing as compared to the depths of God’s wisdom. God can grant us an insight we could never find in all the books of the world, but this is not the reason why we should feel more worthy or less worthy in His Presence.

3. Strength

We have but a limited time on earth. The healthiest and the strongest among us cannot even live for two centuries. To base our worth on our physical strength is to look down on people just because they are disabled or sick or dying. Every man has God’s dignity in him no matter his physical strength.

4. Wealth/Success

The material things we own will someday rot and decay. Nothing can last forever except God’s love. Wealth does not indicate that one man is better than the other for we know not where such wealth has come from. One man may be silently accomplishing God’s will in His life and reaping eternal fruits that have not yet been revealed in the current time.

5. Social Skills

Other people may be better in social events and in communicating with others. They appear attractive and they attract the admiration of many. But not everyone who is praised is really good. Many are even criticized for standing up for the truth. There are people who are not adept at socializing with other men, but in their silent prayers, they can reach God’s Presence, and in this, they can find their joy.

6. Talent

What is talent? It is but a gift from God, and for this, no one should boast. Each one is given a unique gift for in truth, we are God’s wonderful gift to each other. Let each one mind his own and improve the gift he or she is given.

7. Goodness/ Holiness

Only God is good. No person is really holy no matter how good he or she appears to be. If we had no need to be saved from ourselves, Jesus wouldn’t have died for us all. Let none boast therefore that he is kinder or braver or more patient. We do not earn God’s love with our goodness. We become good because God has guided us patiently towards the path of His goodness. All that we can offer God is our gratitude for all the mercy and grace that we have been given.

How to Handle Criticisms That Hurt You and Degrade Your Self-Esteem

Hurtful criticisms are like arrows that pierce us just where we’re most vulnerable. If given by people closest to us, they hurt even deeper and echo at the back of our minds long after they’ve been said. What must we do to handle criticisms that hurt us and degrade our self-esteem?

1. Understand that not everything that people say against you is really about you. Oftentimes, it is more about themselves.

If you are familiar with the Bible story about Martha and Mary, you may recall how Martha criticized the action of her sister:

As they continued their journey he entered a village where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him. She had a sister named Mary [who] sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak. Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her to help me.” The Lord said to her in reply, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.”

(Luke 10:38–42, NABRE)

It wasn’t because Mary was sitting at the feet of Jesus that Martha criticized her. It was because Martha was “worried and upset about many things”. Martha was afraid she will not be able to meet the expectations of Jesus and the disciples.

Imagine, however, how Mary must have felt when Martha criticized her in front of Jesus. Imagine hearing these words, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

Martha not only demanded that you help her, but you have also just been reported to Jesus Himself! If you were Mary, some other words might have also echoed at the back of your mind, words like how lazy and uncaring you’ve been, how worthless and unreliable you are, or even how unworthy you are to even deserve to be in the presence of Jesus.

The truth stands, however, as affirmed by Jesus Himself, that Martha’s criticism of Mary is not a reflection of Mary’s deficiencies, but of Martha’s own problems and concerns.

We don’t see things as THEY ARE, we see things as WE ARE. — Anais Nin

2. Remember that not all people filter out what they say and really mean what they say.

Not everyone is concerned about what they’re saying or even how they’re saying it. Not all people think first before saying something. As a result, they may say things that hurt other people, things they would later on regret or want to take back.

People are also not always concerned about how they may affect the feelings of other people. They think about themselves most of the time and may rarely have you in their agenda.

As such, remember to not always take things personally. People don’t always intend to cause you harm.

“The babble of some people is like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise is healing.” (Proverbs 12:18, NABRE)

3. Learn to forgive others

No matter how people may try to be careful with their words, they may still say things that hurt at one time or the other. Nobody’s perfect — nobody’s able to do the right thing all the time. This is where forgiveness should come in. We should remember our human nature and our flaws, and learn how to move on from there.

4. Learn to identify what’s true and what’s not about what others are saying

There are some criticisms that could help us improve ourselves and see our blind spots. Our problem is that many of these criticisms contain other remarks that hurt us or are not always true. And because we are hurt, we try to disregard everything that’s been said. We must learn to identify the things that could help us improve ourselves and leave behind those things which have no basis at all.

5. Know that even at your worst day, God still accepts you and loves you as you are

There are some criticisms that hurt us because they contain some semblance of truth about our deficiencies and flaws, things we may be ashamed of or things that we’d rather not reveal for fear of not being accepted and loved.

Know that even at your very worst, God still loves you. His mercy and grace is greater than all your mistakes and deficiencies. His love for you is greater than all the weaknesses you see in yourself.

God does not take us only when we are lovable,
but more so when we are most in need of love.

6. Know that you have the power to change and to be the best of who you are

Some criticisms seem to tell us how weak we are, as though we’re going to be like that forever. Remember that this is not true! We don’t need to be stuck in the past forever. We can all move on and do something to steer our lives around for the better.

“Have you seen a seed? Was it at all that attractive to you?
Wait a while and see that seed grow.
See it bear fruit, see its flowers bloom.
See? I’ve caught you by surprise!
I have just astounded you.”

7. Know that you can discover and change your self-talk

There are some criticisms that trigger more hurtful thoughts within us, deeper wounds that have not yet been healed. The reason why some people seem to over-react to certain criticisms is that they are reacting to a far deeper pain, a pain triggered by the criticism just given.

We can discover these wounds by listening to our self-talk whenever we are being criticized. When somebody points out your mistake or says anything bad against you, what are you really hearing?

• I’m rejected, no one really loves me as I am.
• I’m worthless, no one appreciates the things I can do.
• I am being forced to do something against my will.
• A lot is being demanded of me whereas I couldn’t ask for enough help when I need it.
• I’m unprotected; anyone can just boss me around because no one is there to defend me.

Why are you hearing those words? Is it possible to replace them with other thoughts that are more supportive of your self-esteem?

• Instead of saying you’re rejected, say, “God loves me and accepts me as I am, even on my worst day.. His love for me is greater than all my weaknesses. He never rejects anyone who comes to Him with a sincere heart.”

• Instead of saying you’re worthless, say, “God values me. Jesus died on the cross just to give me eternal life and happiness. “

God loves me, unconditionally. And for me, He leaves the 99 sheep behind so He can find me and make me realize just how much I matter, just how much I am loved.

• Instead of saying, you are being forced to do something, say, “God has given me free will. Nobody can force me to do anything against my will.”

• Instead of saying, you couldn’t ask for help, say, “Help will come when I need it. I need not always do things on my own, for God’s help is always there for the taking. I only need to receive by faith what is being given to me.”

Joy is in knowing deep in your soul how you were conceived and how you were bathed in love. It is tapping unto the endless reserve of mercy and grace when shadows come looming over you. It is knowing that however great the challenges ahead seem to be, there is a Higher Power that will see you through.

• Instead of saying you’re not protected, say, “God is making me stronger every day to face the challenges coming my way. When I am not strong enough, God will be my Defender against all those who want to cause me harm.”

Your True Worth

Your worth is not in how you can cover up your imperfections, but in how God can make you perfect by receiving all that He could ever give to you.

Only in losing everything could you realize how broken you are. But only in being broken can you be healed by knowing how valuable you are to the only One who can heal you.

When your self-esteem is founded upon the right foundation, it will not break. No matter how other people may criticize you, you are not threatened. You know who you are and nobody can steal your dignity away from you.

“Humility is the mother of all virtues… If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are. If you are blamed you will not be discouraged. If they call you a saint you will not put yourself on a pedestal.” — Mother Teresa