Have You Ever Felt Like You’re a Vampire?

There are times when I feel that I’m similar to a vampire. No, it’s not the thirst for blood. It’s not the immortality either. But I guess those things are clues to why I sometimes felt so similar to them.

(You can read more on what I wrote in my diary about vampires in this article: Why You're More Similar to a Vampire Than You Could Possibly Imagine )

If you have ever watched recent movies about vampires, you may have noticed vampires that decided to refrain from consuming human blood. They resort to animal blood instead to satisfy their craving. This method, however, is not a guarantee that they will never be tempted to suck human blood. It is in their nature to do so, this insatiable craving. And with this craving, their tendency to kill and to become monsters.

I’ve realized how similar this is to our current human condition. Though we can decide to refrain from sinful actions, there is always that tendency in us to miss the mark and thereby do the evil we never wanted to do. It’s like what St. Paul himself said:

“For desire is present with me, but I don’t find it doing that which is good. For the good which I desire, I don’t do; but the evil which I don’t desire, that I practise… For I delight in God’s law after the inward person, but I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me out of the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! So then with the mind, I myself serve God’s law, but with the flesh, sin’s law.” - Romans 7:18-19,22-25 (WEB-BE)

“I have been trying to make the reader believe that we actually are, at present, creatures whose character must be, in some respects, a horror to God, as it is, when we really see it, a horror to ourselves. This I believe to be a fact: and I notice that the holier a man is, the more fully he is aware of that fact.” – C.S. Lewis

I have realized that if I continue to live without God’s grace, I will always be bound by this tendency to sin. No matter how much I try to do what’s right, I would still do what’s wrong. The strength of my will alone could never keep me from hurting other people.

The Awful Horror Within

How can one live with the truth
if the truth is one that says
that the monster in the mirror
is us?

How can one live with that
awful truth
and not die of sorrow,
of loneliness,
of unworthiness?

How can one ever hope
to be loved
when one knows how unlovable
one really is?

For what can one offer
her beloved
if not the thorns
that surround her very heart?

What can one expect to receive
if not fear, and if not rejection
for all the darkness
that one really has?

O, that my darkness
could turn into light,
and that my emptiness,
be filled with good!

O, that a kind hand
may lead me somewhere safe,
safe even from the horror
of who I really am.

Maybe then though I cry,
I might find some comfort;
though I hurt and cause others pain,
I might find healing and forgiveness.

Though I fail,
I might hope to keep on trying,
Though I die, I might believe,
and I might live again!

The shame and the pain of staying the way I am is unbearable. The only hope I have found is God’s mercy and grace. Through God’s salvation, I am given the chance to change. In this life, strength is given to me through prayer and the Sacraments of the Church. In the life to come, I am given hope that I would forever be redeemed from this body that is inclined to sin.

“I will also give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit within you. I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh.” - Ezekiel 36:26 (WEB)

“To enter heaven is to become more human than you ever succeeded in being on earth...”― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I’m reminded of one of my favorite Korean drama series, “Gu Family Book”. The main character Kang Chi, who was half-human and half-mythical creature has said it so beautifully:

“She called me a monster… No matter what I think, I’m no longer human. Just as you can’t turn a mountain into an ocean, you also can’t change the fact that I’m only half human… I’m not this or that. I’m only half of anything… I want to become human. Not only half human like this. But entirely.”

In a way, this is also our goal: to be fully human. To give in to our sinful tendencies is to become less human than what we were meant to be. It is to be governed by our passions and by the desires of the flesh. To be fully human is to regain control of our passions and to have a will fully obedient to goodness, to God.

In more ways than we could possibly imagine, we are like vampires. We seem to be alive but we are not fully alive. We have this insatiable craving for something that can never completely satisfy us. Only by finding God could we ever hope to live a true eternal life. Only by finding God could we be fully satisfied.

“Most certainly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you don’t have life in yourselves. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood lives in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so he who feeds on me will also live because of me. This is the bread which came down out of heaven—not as our fathers ate the manna and died. He who eats this bread will live forever.” - John 6:53-58 (WEB-BE)

For a subscription of only $5 a month or a discounted price of $50 a year, you may also want to read my “locked articles”. I will be posting more articles including actual excerpts from my own diary, song recording, photos and personal write-ups through the paid subscription. You will also be the first to get a free preview of my new books, apps and other projects. You can read more posts similar to the ones below:

Why You're More Similar to a Vampire Than You Could Possibly Imagine

Have You Ever Wanted to Ask God a Question?

How Do I Know God Loves Me When I Can’t Even See His Face?

Let Me Tell You When I Had a Glimpse of Heaven

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