How to Respectfully Disagree When It Comes to Faith

10 things to keep in mind while discussing the issue at hand

I feel so sad whenever I encounter religious discussions that end up with so much hatred, animosity and lack of respect. I see this even within Catholic forums: fellow believers disparaging one another, forgetting that there is something more important than winning the argument at hand.

Even if we win a debate but we fail to be patient and kind, we have allowed the evil one to triumph in our lives. Further, the other side may fail to completely see our point because all they noticed was our harshness towards them.

How do we try to convince others about the truth without losing our souls?

1. Listen first

“The first duty of love is to listen” — Paul Tillich

Although you may have entered the discussion with the intent of speaking the truth and convincing others, you must never forget listening to the other side.

You don’t listen to merely answer back. You don’t listen because you are unsure of your beliefs. You listen because another human being is talking with you and deserves your attention and respect.

You listen because you want to know this person. Where is he coming from? Why does he believe what he believes? Can I learn something also from this person’s life? What does God want me to realize here?

2. Find a common ground

It’s not good to start thinking you’re there to face an enemy coming from the opposite side. Start with the frame of mind that you both want a common ultimate good.

You can start with your common belief as Catholics or as Christians. And you can start with the intent of understanding each other and building a bridge towards peace.

3. Consider that the other person is trying one’s best to live one’s faith

How do we see other people? Do we misjudge them by thinking that they are intent on ruining their lives so that they can go straight to hell? Do we see Catholics in error as intentionally desiring to commit their mistakes and spread that false belief to others?

Perhaps one is merely being misled, or one is going through a difficult crisis of faith. Let us try to give others the benefit of the doubt and begin with the thought that we’re all trying to do what we think is right.

“It seems to me that everybody is as anxious to serve God as I am. And herein God has been very gracious unto me, for I never dwell on an evil deed… — St. Teresa of Avila

“Thinking about sin, whether our own or another’s , creates a spiritual fog that robs from us the sight of God’s beauty. Instead, we should seek God’s healing and strength on behalf of us all, and when we look at another who has fallen into sin, we should focus only on compassion and our own brokenness, longing for God’s healing for us both.”– All Shall Be Well by Ellyn Sanna

4. Give straight answers when needed

“Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope, but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear…” — 1 Peter 3:15–16 (NABRE)

Be truthful and clarify your point of disagreement. Don’t say that you agree when you are clearly in disagreement with a certain practice or belief. You shouldn’t be ashamed to share the wisdom that God has given you.

5. Stay objective and logical

Present proof for your argument. Use facts and the power of reason. Most of all, don’t be overpowered by fear.

Many discussions end up in misunderstanding because both parties have allowed their emotions to overrule their logical thinking.

Don’t accuse anyone without sufficient evidence. Know the source of your information. Is it reliable? Are the documents you’re presenting verified to be true? By whom?

If there is a news source, does the reporter have a good reputation? Is the source known to be biased in the past?

6. Don’t take things personally

A rejection of your opinion doesn’t necessarily carry with it a rejection of your character or capacity. People can disagree with you without thinking negative things about you.

Don’t take things personally. Sometimes, we interpret someone’s words to mean something else. We form conclusions in our minds that other people never even thought about.

7. Use a calm, sincere and compassionate tone

Even if you are speaking the truth, remember that you should speak the truth with love.

“St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross says to us all: Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love. And do not accept anything as love which lacks truth! One without the other becomes a destructive lie.” — Pope John Paul II homily for the canonization of St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein)

How can the other person hear you when you are attacking that person? Instead of listening to you, the other person would be busy defending himself.

Truth must never go alone in its mission to reform others. We must preach it through the vehicle of love.

“Love builds a bridge over which truth can pass.”

— Dan Burke

“If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast,[a] but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. — 1 Corinthians 13:1–6 (NRSVCE)

“Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

8. Remember to be humble

Knowing something doesn’t necessarily make you superior to the one who doesn’t know anything. But that makes you responsible for sharing the truth in the right way.

Remember that you know this truth simply because God has allowed you to receive it. We have received it freely so we must also share it freely to others with gratitude, humility and love.

“Now in regard to meat sacrificed to idols: we realize that ‘all of us have knowledge’; knowledge inflates with pride, but love builds up. If anyone supposes he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if one loves God, one is known by him. — 1 Corinthians 8:1–3 (NABRE)

“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, was praying thus, ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people: thieves, rogues, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give a tenth of all my income.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even look up to heaven, but was beating his breast and saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his home justified rather than the other; for all who exalt themselves will be humbled, but all who humble themselves will be exalted.” — Luke 18:10–14 (NRSVCE)

9. Seek God in prayer

The results we want can’t come only by our earnest efforts. We need God’s grace to convince others of the truth that we have found.

Let us never forget to seek God in prayer. He is Truth Himself and Love Himself. He alone knows the way we must take to lead others to salvation.

Even if we fail to convince others with our words, we can still hope to convince them through the power of prayer.

“Prayer joined to sacrifice constitutes the most powerful force in human history.” — Pope John Paul II

10. Forgive and let God

Not every discussion that seeks to arrive at the Truth will end up in the way we expected them to. Sometimes, we will feel that our efforts have been in vain. At other times, we may even feel deeply hurt by other people.

During such times, instead of trying to control the situation, let us surrender everything to God.

Forgive and let God handle what we can never accomplish on our own.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. — Colossians 3:12–15 (NABRE)

Witnesses of Truth and Love

We should be witnesses of God’s truth and love… always! And yes, even when we disagree.

Let us remember that we teach not only by our words, but by the very example of our lives. When other people see us, what will they see? Will they also see the God that we believe in? Will we exemplify the goodness that we preach?

“Remind them of this, and warn them before God that they are to avoid wrangling over words, which does no good but only ruins those who are listening. Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved by him, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly explaining the word of truth.” — 2 Timothy 2:14–15 (NRSVCE)

To Love and Understand

When troubled, do not begin
where you cannot understand,
where you can find much fault,
where it is truly dark.

Do not begin where you are right,
and the other one is wrong.
Do not start where it hurts
and you felt unloved.

But begin where you can see
just a little bit of light,
Begin by looking for the good
begin by being kind.

Soon you’ll see souls
merely trying their very best,
Soon you’ll see wounds,
and hearts that need some rest.

By beginning with love,
you will start to understand,
It is compassion that will save you both,
as you now walk hand in hand.

Jocelyn Soriano wrote the books 366 Days of Compassion, To Love an Invisible God, and Defending My Catholic Faith. To support Jocelyn in her “full-time mission” as a Catholic writer, please consider subscribing, upgrading your subscription, buying her books or giving her a tip via Ko-fi