Sometimes I Feel Like I’m a Half-Baked Nun!
I once dreamed as though I were a real nun.
In that dream, I wore a white veil and I had just taken my vows. I just felt so happy and free! Yes, instead of feeling confined, I felt that I was finally set free by being able to surrender my entire life to God.
Even years after, I can still remember that dream. And once in a while, I can’t help but think about its meaning. Could it be that my dream had something to do with an unfulfilled desire within me? Did I really want to become a nun but I just failed to do so?
I remember St. Gemma Galgani who had a true calling to be a nun. She heard it loud and clear from Jesus Himself. Due to some constraints in her life, however, she was prevented from becoming one. She lived her life outside the convent, made a private vow of virginity and offered everything to God, even her unfulfilled calling.
How do we ever understand the mysteries of God’s plans for our lives? Will He plant a desire within us only to let it remain unsatisfied?
Not that I have no fault in it. I may have been too busy trying to earn a living or looking in some other direction. Too many things may have been screaming inside my head that I failed to hear God’s gentle whisper.
Hearing God’s Call
I previously wrote an article about God calling me to be a writer. In the midst of my busy career as an accountant and auditor, I was able to hear that call. In fact, I had no peace until I finally listened to that call.
Perhaps God’s call is like that. No matter how you try to look the other way, you would still know. You don’t have to guess.
Fr. Mike Schmidt once said that God’s will is always clear. If He wants you to do something, He will make it clear. You will not be left in utter uncertainty.
Hearing many nun’s vocation stories all told me the same thing. That they clearly heard God calling them.
Seeking My Vocation
There was a time when I entertained the idea of becoming a nun. I even talked to some sisters about it.
However, there was no clear conviction that paved the way towards that vocation.
Before that, I also considered the idea of marriage. But my previous relationships did not work out the way I thought they would.
In the end, what gave me peace was not a clear idea of my vocation. But Jesus Christ Himself.
God’s Call
Time came when I felt God drawing me closer to Him. It’s as though He were leading me towards a new level of spiritual growth.
I cannot say that He called me to be a nun. But I can say that He called me to have a deeper relationship with Him.
He healed many of the wounds within my heart. Wounds of loneliness and rejection. Wounds of being unloved and unchosen.
He removed the many distractions about this or that vocation that kept me away from forming a deeper relationship with Him.
He called me by name. And He called me to be His. And that call was enough to console my searching heart.
After the Call
Although I wasn’t called to either marriage or the religious life, I can sincerely declare that I finally found my peace. I was finally content and happy where I was!
No longer did I fear the single life or the lack of a clear vocation.
I saw the many opportunities available to me in my given state of life as a single person.
Nothing was stopping me from going to mass, even if I chose to attend one every day. The sacraments of the Church were mine. The Holy Scriptures were mine to savor and meditate upon. The Blessed Virgin Mary and the saints were mine to accompany me in my spiritual journey.
God has bestowed upon me countless blessings, and He just opened my spiritual eyes to see them!
A sister may contemplate upon Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. And so could I! A nun can spend the whole day in prayer. And so could I!
To be single is not to be left out of God’s blessings. To be single is to be given an opportunity to be focused on God!
A Half-Baked Sister
When St. Paul spoke about virgins, there was no distinction yet between religious sisters and lay single women. In a way, I know that I can claim many of the things he spoke about:
“Now concerning virgins, I have no command of the Lord, but I give my opinion as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. I think that, in view of the impending crisis, it is well for you to remain as you are… I want you to be free from anxieties... the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband.”-1 Corinthians 7 (NRSVCE)
Despite not being a nun, I’m still unmarried. And I can still devote my time entirely upon God.
In a way, my life can resemble that of a religious sister. I can stay close to the Church and to the sacraments. I can devote my time in reading the Bible and in praying. I can serve my neighbor and do various acts of charity. Even in my present work as a full-time Catholic writer, I can be persistent in spreading the Good News and helping people draw closer to God.
I may have no veil or habit, and I do not have a ring signifying that I have been betrothed to Christ. But I can draw closer to Him and heed His call for all of us who have been baptized in His name.
Call me a half-baked nun if you will, but may God spare me from being a half-baked Christian.
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We can search for happiness in many things including our vocation. But in the end, only God can fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts! Let us pray that we may be freed from the fears that keep us from drawing near to Him.
You may want to watch the lyric video I made below for the song “I Shall Not Want”. For me, this song expresses so well how our many fears can be driven away once we taste the sweetness of God!
Beautiful! When I was younger I thought I had to be a nun, though I believe now that I’m called to marriage. In harder moments I still find myself wondering sometimes if I ought to become a Poor Clare or Carmelite, in part because I’m concerned at being alone - I had a thought before Lent started that in this time of waiting, I ought to be as a nun and focus on God. I think this means I should!
You can eat your cake and have it too by joining a Third Order. :) I recently started an Aspirancy with the OCDS (Order of Carmelites Discalced Secular) and am very happy I did. I hope to make it through the initial 12 months and move on to full formation. The total before making final promises is six years. It's challenging because the spiritual requirements can feel like a lot sometimes, especially for someone who still works, but the community feel is wonderful. Highly recommended. :)