What Do You Look Forward to When You Fear That Love Is About to Expire?
Is It Necessary for Love to Have an Expiration Date?
“We need so desperately to believe in a forever love — so much so that there’s an entire genre of entertainment dedicated to young lovers who persist against all odds, medical or fantastical or otherwise — that when it doesn’t happen, we fall a little bit to pieces.” — Eda J. Vor, Fully Functioning
No matter how we try to convince ourselves about reality, there is something inside of us that yearns for love to last forever. For lovers, each moment is eternal. It is almost an impossibility to see an end to that kind of feeling that allows one to be far happier than he or she has ever been.
How could something so beautiful ever die?
The idea of forever
“The event of falling in love is of such a nature that we are right to reject as intolerable the idea that it should be transitory… “ — C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Love frees us from our self-imposed imprisonment. It allows us to transcend the boredom and emptiness of living by ourselves and for ourselves alone. Love, therefore, is like a mighty river that flows without any boundary. It will always make us wonder about our own mortality.
Love is the greatest experience a human being could ever have. There are times when it seems like a portal that opens up for us new worlds and endless possibilities.
“The mystic writer Richard of St. Victor tells us that there are four degrees of love. To the first he gives the name of the insuperable love, because it can be displaced by no other; to the second the name of the inseparable love, because it is so firmly impressed on the memory that it cannot be effaced; to the third he gives that of the exclusive love, because it will endure no rival; and the fourth he calls the insatiable love, because it can never be satisfied.” — Quote from Alice Lady Lovat, The Marvels of Divine Grace
Does love ever expire?
The great tragedy of our times, however, is that our idea of love seems to negate the reality of our experience. If love really lasts forever, why do we often see quite the opposite? We see it in the news and on various social media channels. We see it in our close friends and neighbors. We see it in the world we’re living in today.
According to various studies, that feeling of being “in love” may not even last for three years. One such study by Dr. Fred Nour reveals that the phase of “falling in love” will only typically last from one to three years.
Another study led by Dr. Enzo Emanuele, which attributed the massive attraction felt by lovers to an increased level of protein (Nerve Growth Factor) gave even a shorter duration of about twelve months before the intensity of that love fades away.
Research has shown us that a surge of chemicals helped develop our bond toward another. These chemicals gave us that exciting period when we thought our heightened sense of being in love would never end.
You may recall that unforgettable time when you first fell in love. You could talk for hours over the phone, you could spend the whole day with him or her without getting bored, and you could feel butterflies in your stomach whenever your loved one called.
Everything seemed as though they were going to last forever, but they didn’t.
Signs of love expiring
“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.”― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
It is painful to witness the source of our greatest joy to gradually dissipate in time. Whereas we couldn’t wait a day to see our loved ones again, we may sooner or later get bored with each other’s company. Whereas we used to feel we’re on cloud nine as long as we’re with our special someone, we now can’t help but notice all the things that annoy and bother us.
What are some of the signs that love is about to reach its expiration?
1. You no longer look forward to spending time together.
2. You find more and more activities apart from each other.
3. You no longer think of your loved one as the first person you want to share some good news with.
4. You notice more of your loved one’s faults and weaknesses.
5. You find it hard to confide your troubles with each other.
6. You often feel unappreciated and misunderstood.
7. You fight more and more often.
8. You no longer celebrate the important dates together.
9. You stop giving little gifts and tokens of appreciation to each other.
10. You hardly hear a compliment from your partner anymore.
Two things that could happen after love expires
The end of something good is not at all something we’d want to look forward to. This is especially true in the case of love.
How do we even begin to accept that we’re about to lose that one thing that changed us and gave a deeper meaning to our lives?
And yet, according to Dr. Fred Nour, falling out of love is but a stage we need to go through before we could experience something else, something even better.
Even if it hurts, we must open our eyes to reality and see the positive things we can still have.
What are the two things we could possibly look into when we fall out of love?
First, Dr. Fred Nour advises that we need to fall out of love before we can fall in love again. If by chance, the one we’re with is not the one for us, we should accept the expiration of our love so we can be set free to love again.
This is not to lessen our resolve to commit to our partners, especially when we consider the sanctity of marriage.
There are times, however, when we’re still getting to know the other person and every opportunity is ours to choose those we should make a lifetime commitment to. Moreso, consider those who are are continuously being abused by their partners. More than falling in love again, what they need is to be freed from the dangerous situation they’re currently bound to.
There is a time when love is no longer about holding on but letting go. It is giving space for yourself and your partner to heal and to become better.
The second reason we need to outgrow the phase of falling in love is to be able to enter the phase of “true love”.
In this phase, our love is no longer blind. Our love becomes a love that sees. We now see our partner for who he or she really is. We no longer depend on a surge of bodily hormones or chemicals to blindly bind us to each other. We can now love the other in good times and in bad, through the best times and the worst.
“When you love someone, you love the person as they are, and not as you’d like them to be.” — Leo Tolstoy
Final words
“For love to be forever, first it must be true.”― Moffat Machingura
Let us not be disheartened when we feel that the initial surge of love is fading away. It need not be the end. Devotion, commitment and loyalty to one’s partner can still bring sweet fruits we’d cherish for a lifetime.
We need only to remember that love, even if it’s the happiest experience we could ever have, could never be true unless we are also willing to accept the pain and the sorrows that come along with it.
Our love is tested through fire, hardship and troubles. We prove our love is true when we are willing to sacrifice our comforts and our pride to keep what we consider as the most valuable thing for us.
Love is more than our fleeting feelings of excitement and sleepless nights. Love is that one thing that gives true and eternal meaning to our lives.
“All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your heart you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.”
- Kahlil Gibran
Jocelyn Soriano is the author of Mend My Broken Heart and Poems of Love and Letting Go.
