The Four “Gives” of Forgiveness

What are the four signs of true forgiveness?

Dec 23, 2024

It isn’t easy to forgive, especially if we have been hurt deeply.

Yet being a Christian means that we should learn how to forgive. Even in the Lord’s Prayer, we ask God to forgive us as we also forgive those who trespass against us. Haven’t we all been taught to turn the other cheek?

Sometimes we say that we have already forgiven someone, but only because such a person has admitted his wrongs and sincerely apologized to us. But what if the people who sinned against us failed to do so? How do we even start to forgive?

One morning, after prayer, I realized that the word “forgiveness” itself contains the word “give”. And this seems to be a clue to find out the true meaning of the word.

When we forgive, it also means that we have to “give” something. We give up, let go or surrender something along the way.

Here are some of the things we should consider when forgiving someone:

1. Give up revenge

This is the first thing we must remember when we forgive someone who has offended us.

Even if it feels as though we have been wronged too deeply, and even if it seems all the justice in the world has been turned upside down, we must give up our desire to retaliate and strike back.

Jesus knows that it would have been much easier for us “in theory” to follow the principle of “an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth”, but He taught us rather to turn the other cheek!

We cannot forgive while we continue to plot for vengeance. “Vengeance is mine”, says the Lord in Deuteronomy 32:35 (NRSVCE).

The Lord knew us very well that He saw how even taking an “eye for an eye” would do us harm. Because in reality, we often fail to take only an eye. If someone took away our loved one’s eye, we’d have taken both eyes of the one who dared hurt our beloved ones.

2. Give up expecting healing from the one who hurt us

To forgive is to let go of our expectation to be healed and recompensed by those who have offended us.

While it would have been better if we could receive that, we should not depend the peace of our souls upon the decisions of other people, especially of the ones who may never recognize their wrongs.

Quite often, those who continue to harm people have no ability to bring healing. It is not to them that we should expect wholeness and peace.

Is it better to continue expecting something from someone who could offer it? Or should we rather ask what we need from someone who has the power and the will to give it to us?

Rather than focus on receiving recompense from your offender, why not ask healing from God Himself?

3. Give up resentment

Holding on to resentment only leads to bitterness. Holding on to hate makes us less and less capable of love.

It will never be easy, but let us no longer carry this burden that the Lord never meant for us to bear.

Give up hatred, ill will and negative thoughts and emotions. Only then can we be set free from our hurts.

“My idea of forgiveness is letting go of resentment that does not serve your better interest, ridding yourself of negative thoughts. All they do is make you miserable. Believe me, you can fret and fume all you want, but whoever it was that wronged you is not suffering from your anguish whatsoever.”- Della Reese

4. Give it all to God

Deciding to forgive someone does not immediately take away the damage that has been done. It does not instantly take away our hurts. And that is all the more reason why we must surrender and give up everything to God.

Let us offer to God all of our frustrations and pain. Let us tell Him about our betrayals, and the people who have abandoned us just when we needed them most.

Let us surrender to God our thirst for justice. God is awake and He sees everything. He has the power to make all things right again.

Forgive and Move Forward

There was a movie titled “Georgia Rule” about a rebellious teenager named Rachel. Desperate for her to change, she was taken by her mother to her grandmother so that she could learn to mend her ways. Georgia, the grandmother, was known to have very firm beliefs and she often refers to it as a “Georgia rule”.

Out of these, there is one rule I will always remember about forgiveness. Here is the quote from the movie when Rachel’s mother wrote her a letter:

“My mother always told me: the hardest things to do in life are to trust, to have faith and to forgive.
So I want you to hear the strength in my voice when I say I forgive you because I love you—that simple and that complicated.
To forgive is to move forward. Georgia rule.”

We cannot go far as long as we hold on to feelings of vengeance or resentment. As long as we do not forgive, we live within a negative loop that could never give us peace. Only by letting go and surrendering everything to God can we start to heal and break free from our hurts.

Again, it is never easy. But with God, nothing is impossible.