Why I Believe That Singles Also Have a Calling In Life
When single people ask why the single life isn’t considered as a vocation by the Church, they are often met with indifference or insensitivity. Some reply with downright disrespect, looking down on these people who are merely seeking direction or confirmation in their lives.
It’s as though a simple definition or an enumeration of previously held concepts could be enough to satiate the inquiries of those who doubt their own decisions or even their relationship with God.
Here are just some of the reasons often given to singles why they couldn’t possibly have a vocation in their current state of life:
a vocation demands permanence
those who have a vocation should make a total dedication of themselves
no one is called to be alone
tragedies in life happen (you could miss out on your vocation!)
you need formal consecration in order to have a vocation
being permanently single is a cross, not a vocation
a vocation should bear fruit
declaring the single state as a vocation implies self-sufficiency
What people don’t understand is the sense of confusion and uncertainty that many single people go through due to this “lack of vocation” on their part.
I know many single people who are living very holy and fruitful lives, lives that are totally selfless and dedicated to serving God and neighbor. These single people have tried their very best to do what is right. They take God’s word seriously and pray about their life decisions.
Despite all these, however, they remained single until their old age. Upon reaching this age of maturity where it isn’t even possible to have children or to enter religious life, they are met with this idea that they simply missed their call.
Can you imagine how these people feel?
It is no wonder that many singles in their later years have recurring doubts about whether they should have married or entered a religious community by then.
They blame themselves and think about where they have done something wrong. All the while, there is this nagging thought that they were the “unchosen ones”, those who “lacked something”, those who “missed” God’s sacred calling.
The truth, however, is that they could already be fulfilling their mission in life.
They could be serving the poor or providing for their families. They could even be leading Church organizations and giving all of their time for the sake of God and their fellowmen.
Is it not even possible then that they have been called to this way of life? Should they be formally consecrated just to know that they are following God’s call?
How can all of these people who vouch against the possibility of the single vocation be so certain? Is this a declared dogma of the Church? Couldn’t there be a development in doctrine that would one day recognize this unique call?
I feel glad whenever a laywoman who was neither a nun or a married person becomes a saint like St. Gemma Galgani. It gives me hope for all single people out there that we can find our purpose and live holy lives in the state of life where we are. Recently, one of Padre Pio’s friend Luigina Sinapi, a laywoman had just been declared as venerable, making her one step closer to sainthood.
Though she tried to enter a religious life, health concerns prompted her to leave and from then on lived a simple yet holy life as a single woman. She found regular jobs at the post office and Central Statistical Office. All the while, she had a an intense prayer life and even had visions of the Lord Jesus. Many priests came to her for prayer and even material support.
Disqualifying the single life from a possible vocation is to not recognize the sacred calling of every baptized person who is already called to live a life of holiness and love.
“Therefore in the Church, everyone whether belonging to the hierarchy, or being cared for by it, is called to holiness…” — Lumen Gentium V
Why do we immediately label the single life as a selfish life? And why do we have this idea that single people could never be fruitful?
If Jesus Himself told us that in the life after this one, no one is going to marry or to be given in marriage, wouldn’t we all be single then? Couldn’t the single life point us to this state of being single in the presence of God?
The calling to the single life isn’t a call to be alone, but to be free to devote oneself to God and His works.
Here is St. Paul’s advice to virgins and widows:
“Now in regard to virgins I have no commandment from the Lord, but I give my opinion as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek a separation. Are you free of a wife? Then do not look for a wife. If you marry, however, you do not sin, nor does an unmarried woman sin if she marries; but such people will experience affliction in their earthly life, and I would like to spare you that.” - 1 Corinthians 7:25-28 (NABRE)
St. Paul never mentioned anything about discerning whether one has or has no vocation to marriage. He did not even ask that a person vow or promise to permanently stay single. He never required any formal commitment to devote oneself to the Lord.
His advice was filled with both practicality and wisdom. He simply urged the virgins and the widows to remain as they are. He even said that just in case one marries, one doesn’t sin because of that. There is no promise of permanence here but a preference to remain single and free for God.
“Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being”
— St John Paul II (Familiaris Consortio, 11)
To any single people out there who feels like an outcast or who constantly feels the need to search for another path in life thinking one has failed to heed God’s call, remember that God knows you and loves you. He is constantly leading you. There is no need to fear.
You don’t have to be married or to enter a religious order just to enter heaven. Your baptism already qualifies you to be God’s beloved child.
Continue drawing near to Him and grow in His love each day. Let that love overflow into everyone you meet.
God is Love. May His redeeming and healing love bring you joy and peace.
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”
— Isaiah 43:1, NRSVCE
The traditionalist Charles Coulombe (who is also an unmarried layperson) also talked about this. So I know it's just some modernist thing.
That said, there's definitely a temptation for single Catholics to justify their desire to remain untethered from obligation (whether that be marriage or the religious life). I'm not saying you or Coulombe or anyone in particular are doing this. In fact, I'm speaking as a single person myself. But I think that's why people (especially trad types) are very touchy about singles (or "incels" in Internet speak).
I live in a spiritual community (Ananda Village) that has plenty of singles and plenty of married couples and that *also* has householder and formal renunciate paths for both (the married renunciates are celibate, though some had children prior to taking vows). Among these combinations, the single formal renunciates are the fewest in number, meaning there are plenty of other singles who are not pursuing relationships at all and yet serve as actively as the formal renunciates.
What we've really come to understand is that true renunciation and vocations are callings of the heart, not defined for outer forms and formalizations. In that spirit, all of us who have chosen a spiritually-focused lifestyle and who put God above all else are renunciates; some simply want to take the step of formalizing that inner commitment, but that doesn't make them better *or* worse than those who don't. It's simply an option for how they want to express that part of their relationship to God.